111 funny big quotes - Page 3 - Wordgag

Big fan of the comma, just great. Like look, I just made you pause the sentence as you read it. Oh look, I just did it again.

May 22, 2026

Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts.

May 22, 2026

If I was a priest, I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around.

May 22, 2026

I’m not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when I see that I have a good hand.

May 22, 2026

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

May 22, 2026

Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons and a big check.

May 22, 2026

I want a small, tasteful wedding. No family. No friends. No groom. Just me eating a big cake.

May 22, 2026

I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.

May 22, 2026

A big F*** YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.

May 21, 2026

In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways. In my 40’s: oh.

May 21, 2026

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

May 21, 2026

How are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby?

May 21, 2026

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore. When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.

May 21, 2026

At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip.

May 21, 2026

If dogs ever learn to talk, I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.

May 21, 2026

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.

May 20, 2026

People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.

May 20, 2026

They should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year.

May 20, 2026

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

May 20, 2026

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong. When exactly does the strong part kick in?

May 20, 2026

Remember when tweets were like: party rocking with a mouse tonight. Piece of cheese gonna have a big bite.

May 20, 2026

The ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives).

May 20, 2026

I had big plans to sleep in today, but my bladder canceled.

May 20, 2026

Best lie you heard was eat all your food so you can be big and strong. Now look at you. Just big.

May 20, 2026

Are there any medium rappers? They’re always Big or Lil.

May 20, 2026

I’m a big believer in not going to work on your birthday!

May 20, 2026

Waving at the end of every Zoom call like it’s the 1800s and a big steamship is leaving the harbor.

May 19, 2026

A cheat code to adulting is to always have something to look forward to, no matter how small or big.

May 19, 2026

I love when people start getting filler, and instead of looking younger, it’s just like okay, your face is getting really, really big in all directions.

May 19, 2026

I always need to pee, but it’s just because my heart is so big it pushes on my bladder.

May 19, 2026

Oh, to be a rich, beautiful woman in her big car, driving to buy overpriced groceries to stock up her breathtaking kitchen in her gorgeous house.

May 19, 2026