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Share →: Growing up, I always knew I was gonna be the distant family member.

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Finally found my superpower: dodging family gatherings since day one! 🦸‍♂️🕵️‍♀️🏃‍♂️

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Someone from 🇲🇭 has viewed:

Whoever allowed me to become an adult needs to be fired.

Someone from 🇲🇭 has downloaded:

Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up? I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had.

Someone from 🇫🇮 has bookmarked:

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.

Someone from 🇪🇷 has bookmarked:

Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.

Someone from 🇰🇷 has shared:

Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.

Someone from 🇸🇳 has copied:

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform.

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I’m eating for two; me and the person I strive to be.

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Sorry for having no idea what the hell I am doing. It will happen again.

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My phone and it’s charger are in a situationship and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.

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Gwyneth Paltrow, I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan.

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Broadcasted on YouTube:

I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.

Breaking via LinkedIn:

80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful.

Seen just now on YouTube:

I dunno how to flirt but I can insult you so nicely.

Seen just now on TikTok:

Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.

Just shared via Pinterest:

*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am Monday morning.

Just shared via Twitch:

On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.

Seen just now on TikTok:

Ancient Egyptians used to worship cats and write on walls, a practice we still continue to do today on the Internet.

Trending via TikTok:

I’m already excited about who I’m going to think sucks first today.

Just landed via Pinterest:

It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.

Trending via YouTube:

Remember that even the worst haircut will eventually grow on you.

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Funny distant family member quotes

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How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank? Do you just call them and say you can’t come?

Every morning, the cat watches me make coffee and asks if we can go sit out on the balcony to watch the birds, and every morning I say, yes, of course, let’s.

Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.

Remember when downloading a song in under 5 minutes was considered progress?

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Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

Common sense is so rare these days that it should be considered a superpower.

The toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title.

If ads were a person, it would be that one neighbor who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?

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Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

Not to brag, but I ate all of my bananas before they turned brown. Don’t be jealous.

I think God’s next test for me should be, “Can he handle a ridiculous amount of money.”

Okay, seen enough, someone put a blanket over my cage.

My hair will never allow me to commit any crime; I leave my DNA everywhere.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?

I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.

I usually decompose after work rather than decompress.

I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.

Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that to my many personalities.

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