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10,000+ funny quotes

106 Funny expectation quotes

God: “You can’t just say ‘Goddammit!’ and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.”

3 months ago

Maybe if I spend another day alone in my room then something life-changing will suddenly happen to me!?

3 months ago

December you will be good to me (threateningly).

3 months ago

If a girl sends you selfies and you don’t compliment her, she should be allowed to electrocute you.

3 months ago

Met a microbiologist once. They’re a lot bigger than I imagined.

3 months ago

“This too shall pass!” Okay, but like, when exactly?

3 months ago

Every girl’s personal hell is being too excited about their birthday and it ends up being the worst day ever.

3 months ago

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a Like.

3 months ago

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

3 months ago

If I text you an accordion emoji, it means you better start acting accordingly.

3 months ago

I’m sick of blessings in disguise. I am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever.

3 months ago

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end.

3 months ago

No, I mean, it’s great toast. I just didn’t expect it to be French.

3 months ago

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead.

3 months ago

I met a microbiologist today. He was a lot bigger than I expected.

3 months ago

And once again my day begins without a red carpet! Guys, I’m really disappointed in you.

3 months ago

“Date” is just another word for: Jeez, had I known that before, I would have stayed home.

3 months ago

Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.

3 months ago

They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”.

3 months ago

And then there are those dates after which you think: “Have I really shaved my legs for this?”

3 months ago