Commentary:
Even my cat's hairball incidents get a heartfelt "Sorry!" 😂🙈
2120 Funny me quotes
“We’re the only species that drinks milk after infancy, dairy is bad for you!” We’re also the only species that drinks peach mango pineapple spirulina kale smoothies, Karen. Let me eat my cheese in peace.
Commentary:
Guessing the animals are just mad they can't order kale sippers at the smoothie bar, Karen 🐄🥤🧀
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So, in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Commentary:
I guess we can safely say I'm more of a land shark when it comes to biking 🦈🚴♂️😂
Watching my wife absolutely hate my daughter’s boyfriend while being nice and hospitable to him has made me question every interaction I’ve had with another human being in my life.
Commentary:
When you've been looking through rose-colored glasses your whole life but suddenly realize they were actually fogged up lenses 😂😅 #LifeLessons #MomSkills 👀🍸
Many people love saying, “Get these away from me,” after eating a few chips.
Commentary:
Chips: the only snack that comes with a built-in guilt trip! 🍟😂🙌
At this point, the only thing that can heal me is memory loss.
Commentary:
I hear selective amnesia is on sale this week! 😂🧠✨
Playing Mortal Kombat at an arcade in the 90’s would fix me.
Commentary:
A coin for Mortal Kombat in the 90s? Cheaper than therapy and twice as effective! 🎮🕹️💥
The bank just called and gave me the biggest compliment, said my balance is outstanding. I really needed that today.
Commentary:
Your bank account is living its best life while mine is on a treadmill and still not going anywhere! 💸😅📉
Telemarketer: “Hello, am I speaking to the head of the household?” Me, handing the phone to my cat: “It’s for you.”
Commentary:
Cats really should get more credit; after all, they're the true CEOs of our lives! 🐱📞😂
A quick shoutout to all of the sidewalks out there… Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Commentary:
Sidewalks: the unsung heroes of every stumble! 🚶♂️😂🌟