2086 funny me quotes - Page 35 - Wordgag

Went for a walk. Very pleasant evening. The squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. That stung a little. I will remember their faces.

May 23, 2026

Vote for me, I’ll cut the alphabet in half.

May 23, 2026

Update on my fitness journey: My wife just handed me a bag of apples at the market and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”

May 23, 2026

Me, to the printer: “Hey, could you print this out for me?” Printer: “Sure, but first I’ll show you all the sounds I can make.”

May 23, 2026

Me, in heaven: Can you take a photo of me sitting on that cloud?

May 23, 2026

Everyone else time traveling: Preventing wars or the spread of disease. Me: Buying multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making.

May 23, 2026

I’ve noticed that when young people now talk about “old people”, they mean me.

May 23, 2026

My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings.

May 23, 2026

Boss: You’ll never find another job like this. Me: That’d be great.

May 23, 2026

Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?

May 23, 2026

Stop asking me if I’m tired. Can’t I just be ugly?

May 23, 2026

Public transportation is great, but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle.

May 23, 2026

“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.

May 23, 2026

Honestly, I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.

May 23, 2026

I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay, because every time I cook it screams at me.

May 23, 2026

You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.

May 23, 2026

The magician told me to “Pick a card! Any card!” So I took his Visa.

May 23, 2026

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

May 22, 2026

Kinda messed up that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or anything.

May 22, 2026

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

May 22, 2026

At 30+, I’m like an old phone battery. Even when you charge me overnight for 10 hours, by midday I’m at 60%.

May 22, 2026

Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day.

May 22, 2026

Coworker: Hey, circling back on that thing we talked about in December. Me: Stop living in the past!

May 22, 2026

All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.

May 22, 2026

I’m having an orange, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

May 22, 2026

My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon.

May 22, 2026

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

May 22, 2026

I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.

May 22, 2026

I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologize to me immediately.

May 22, 2026

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

May 22, 2026

Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone.

May 22, 2026

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

May 22, 2026

You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?

May 22, 2026

My one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it. And that, my friends, is what ChatGPT is to me.

May 22, 2026

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

May 22, 2026

Me driving at night: I hope this is the road!

May 22, 2026

Boss: Why do I have to always come and find you? Me: Because a good employee is hard to find.

May 22, 2026

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

May 22, 2026

Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.

May 22, 2026

Hey, I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die. Would you like to build a life together?

May 22, 2026