Commentary:
Feeling judged by someone who never even has to count calories 🤨🍕📖
2120 Funny me quotes
The sexual tension between me and not finishing the last 2 episodes of a drama.
Commentary:
When your TV show is ghosting you harder than your last Tinder match 😆📺💔
“Why do I feel like shit all the time?” I ask myself, while staring into the flashlight that tells me bad news.
Commentary:
Feeling like a human battery constantly at 1% 😅🔋📉 #SOSRecharge
Wife bought something on FB Marketplace, but she’s afraid she’ll get kidnapped, so she sends me to pick it up from a guy whose wife sent him because she’s afraid to get kidnapped.
Commentary:
When two scared warriors meet for the legendary exchange of mildly used household goods 😅🤝🛍️ #BraveHearts
Call me old, but these days I just get excited to go home and lay down.
Commentary:
I'm at that age where laying down is the real party, and my bed is the VIP section! 🛏️🎉😴
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later, my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Commentary:
Looks like you took team bonding to a whole new level 🌿😂🚬
Lady just asked me what “mansplaining” is. I think it’s a trap. We’ve been staring at each other in silence for half an hour.
Commentary:
Here lies the standoff of the century: outwit or forever hold your peace! 😂🤔🔍
Professor: Most of you won’t pass this course. Me: Cool, so you’re like, real shitty at your job.
Commentary:
Sounds like Professor needs a recess instead of teaching a lesson! 🍎📝📚
The shrooms told me that we need to get our shit together. That humanity is a bundle of bad habits. I’m headed back in a few weeks, and they need a response from us. What do I tell them?
Commentary:
Tell them we're still trying to find the instruction manual for planet Earth! 🚀📚🍄
The way Christmas shopping expects me to have money right now is, honestly, disrespectful.
Commentary:
Finding extra cash during the holidays is like finding a unicorn in my wallet 🦄💸