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6 months ago
Share →: I’m the Usain Bolt of running late.

Commentary:
"Always chasing that finish line at the speed of light… only it's the snooze button I race against ⏱️🏃‍♂️💨 #RunningLateOlympics"

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Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

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Someone from 🇬🇶 has copied:

When someone says “I don’t want a relationship right now” the “at least not with you” is silent.

Someone from 🇲🇨 has shared:

The highlight of my weekends is slipping into something more comfortable and putting my feet up.

Someone from 🇵🇱 has shared:

If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.

Someone from 🇨🇩 has shared:

You unfollow me because you are afraid of falling in love with me. I know!

Someone from 🇱🇰 has viewed:

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: “Close Enough.”

Someone from 🇬🇷 has bookmarked:

You can reach me by butterfly.

Someone from 🇸🇱 has bookmarked:

Most people think that T-Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they are dead.

Someone from 🇹🇲 has viewed:

Who decided that “microwaves that beep forever” was a feature we needed.

Someone from 🇺🇾 has bookmarked:

Party rock is in the mouse tonighttt, piece of cheese I’m gonna take a big biteee.

Someone from 🇰🇮 has copied:

Don’t give up on your dreams. Go back to bed.

Social Media Log 💫

Going viral on LinkedIn:

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

Just shared via Snapchat:

Women love it when you approach them on the street and say “whoa, is there a hot babe convention in town?”

Just shared via TikTok:

Day 12 without chocolate: Lost all hearing in my left eye.

Just shared via Messenger:

My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.

Just landed via Messenger:

When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school. Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.

Shared recently on Pinterest:

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

Just shared via Telegram:

Stop wasting your money on beauty products. The secret to looking young is to wear a baseball cap with a propeller on it.

Making waves on Messenger:

Starting drama with me the week before my period is an absolutely terrible idea – for you.

Reported on Discord:

The meeting of the Anonymous Pessimists was canceled. It wouldn’t have helped anyway.

Reported on Discord:

Them: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long. Me: Yeah, that was on purpose.

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Trending Funny Quotes 📈

It’s wild that you can just do anything. Date the wrong person, choose the wrong career. You can go outside and start eating dirt if you want, and the universe lets you. Not even a pop-up like “Are you sure?“

Anyone who thinks office jobs are harmless has never cut their finger on paper.

I’m bored, but not read a book for fun bored.

I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that I borrowed and lost. We don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.

Ever since I was a little kid I always knew I wanted to struggle to survive.

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.

The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.

Two mysterious people live in my house. “Somebody” and “Nobody.” Somebody did it and nobody knows who.

Petition to make check-in at hotels 11am and check-out 3pm, not the other way around. Like, WTF?

You give a man your heart and he’s gonna put it under another girl’s picture.

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Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

Some 100 private jets will fly to Venice for Jeff Bezos’ wedding, and I recycle yoghurt cup lids.

My life plans are fading like Marty McFly’s family photo.

I deserve a treat when I have a bad week, but I also deserve a treat when I have a good week. I simply always deserve treats.

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings, and I said, “Isn’t face-to-face better?”

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Instead of calling it the John I’m going to start calling my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.

I don’t drink coffee all the time. I take breaks in between to make another one.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

Warning: This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas.

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