Going to bed early is easy, going to sleep early is a whole other set of problems.

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I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

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My youngest had a mandatory drugs and alcohol lecture today at school, and he still can’t mix a proper drink.

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I think that police officers on foot should wear blue flashing sneakers.

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Just because you haven’t found the right person, doesn’t mean you will.

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I’m not good at solving Pi, but I’m really good at eating it.

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I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

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I don’t have any generational wealth but I did inherit a great spaghetti sauce recipe.

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Paw Patrol is just annoying. Exactly how long do dogs live again on average?

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There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s.

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When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they’re not it.