Home is where you trust the toilet seats.

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20’s: what even is a hangover? 40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge…

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Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.

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Distance is my jam; solitude is my peanut butter.

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The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.

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At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

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Dear unsuccessful applicant, we ultimately decided to split the role between existing staff without paying any of them extra.

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Stop asking me if I’m tired. Can’t I just be ugly?

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I don’t have bad handwriting, I’m just using my own font.

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Just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake.

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Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go!