I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

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Dance like nobody’s watching, except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.

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“She’s so self-centered”—who’s supposed to be the center of my life? You?

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Blood pressure too high to chase these hoes.

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Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.

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Earth is hard.

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That awkward moment when someone gets angry at you for clicking a pen, but you have to click it one more time to use it.

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One thing nobody gives pigeons enough credit for is their ability to get out of the way on the sidewalk. A lot of you could learn a thing or two from them.

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I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

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Remember, you don’t have to worry about being around annoying people in public if you never leave the house.

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Thanks to AI, some of us went from being told by our parents not to trust the internet to having to tell our parents not to trust the internet.