I can cope well with most situations. Hearing someone smack is not one of them.

Someone from has copied:

Stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “I think it’s so brave that you’re here”.

Someone from has viewed:

I’ll be home for Christmas, because that’s where I live.

Someone from has viewed:

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers. The Times are rough.

Someone from has copied:

I’m at the age where using the wrong pillow makes you feel like you broke your neck.

Someone from has downloaded:

The devil couldn’t reach me, so he made sure that the love I give is never reciprocated.

Someone from has bookmarked:

I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.

Someone from has viewed:

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

Someone from has downloaded:

We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.

Someone from has downloaded:

Grammar is the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

Someone from has downloaded:

Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you’re finished.