I hate commas. It’s not my job to tell you when you breathe. Work it out, you’re a grown adult.

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Adulting: unlocking life’s mysteries, one therapy session at a time.

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I need to start hiding my money from myself.

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If food delivery apps had never been invented, I would either be wildly rich or dead.

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“You look nervous” Thanks, I’ve been practicing my whole life.

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Can I come over and shed hair everywhere?

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Many greetings from my coffee. Y’all are talking too much again.

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When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black.

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I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching TV.

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You’ll never realize how crazy you really are until you fall in love.

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I didn’t buy that thing I wanted but didn’t need, so I celebrated by buying a different thing I wanted but didn’t need.