I hate it when people threaten to come over. Now I’ve got to do 2 years of housework in 30 minutes.

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And what do we do when we are sad? “Add to cart”

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Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul.

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My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room, dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence.

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No thanks, social media influencers. I prefer making decisions the old-fashioned way: under the influence of alcohol.

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When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.

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Nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping.

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I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

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Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal, have you had any alcohol in the last 24 hours?

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Today I told my daughter she’s giving me a headache! She told me “For suggestions and complaints, contact the manufacturer.”

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I miss being a kid. Nobody asks what my favorite dinosaur is anymore.