I stopped understanding math when the alphabet decided to get involved.

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I cannot imagine being in high school right now. Imagine the world is eating itself alive and you’re in school.

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My bank account may not be full but my sink, laundry basket and arteries sure are.

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I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

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Wow, you have a very impressive collection of strange tendencies.

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Gnocchi: The small, chubby children of spaghetti and potatoes.

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Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

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Who is this Rorschach guy and where did he get all the pictures of my parents fighting?

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Being loved right feels like telepathy and a little bit of witchcraft.

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I never make the same mistake twice. I make it three four times, you know, just to be sure!

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We need a true crime show called Downtown Stabby.