If you can’t look back at your younger self and realize that you were an idiot, you are probably still an idiot.

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All I’m dealing with is broken people. Lord, if I’m a mechanic, please tell me.

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A man messaged me on Insta and said, “You are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all.

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My kid tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

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This coffee isn’t working. Think I need holy water.

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You should be able to call out of work if your partner is so cozy and warm in the morning.

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Nutrition labels should include an “What if I ate the whole thing” section.

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I’d trust a groundhog over a weatherman any day.

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Today is the Mondayest Thursday that has ever been mistaken for a Friday in the history of Wednesdays.

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I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven.

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I hate when people tell me I need to “get out of my comfort zone,” like I don’t even have a comfort zone; I am literally always uncomfortable.