I’ll never understand why the volume in movies is always mixed in such a way that you can barely understand the dialog and your neighbor gets war flashbacks during action scenes.

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Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.

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Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer and come out wrinkle free?

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Of course, I also put my mobile down from time to time. For example, when someone tries to call me.

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I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at parking.

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Which is it, brain? Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything?

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Cupid’s arrow should have just killed me instead.

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I should have peed before I left, and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

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Aliens probably have group chats called Don’t Stop on Earth.

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“Just circling back on this.” – “Take another lap.”

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When someone dies people say “he’s going to meet his Maker”. No he’s not. God doesn’t mingle with the staff.