I’m cosplaying as a functional adult again.

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Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine. 30 minutes was not the right answer.

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I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall.

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I’m not bossy, I just know exactly what you should be doing.

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Stop blaming everyone for your problems. Pick one person you really hate and blame them for everything.

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This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”.

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I love eating fast food and getting big and fat. It’s amazing.

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Nothing ruins my day quite like getting out of bed and dealing with people.

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It’s almost bed time, so I’ll just check my e-mail, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and watch a season of my favorite show on Netflix real quick.

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Sorry for the things I said when the internet was down for 10 minutes.

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Can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?