I’m lacking vitamin c-ash.

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Liquor store clerk: “Do you need help?” Me: “Yes, but I decided to come here instead.”

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I’m naturally funny cause my whole life is a joke.

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I wish I was a cat, because the fatter you are, the more people like you.

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When I get to work, I always hide first, because a good worker is always hard to find.

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You can learn a lot about a person by observing their every waking movement from a tree outside their house.

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I won’t bore you with my problems because all of my problems are fascinating.

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I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

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My wife is refusing to bring me a beer. That’s it, gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are”.

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I did nothing wrong. I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.

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Hair is washed. I am finally lovable and capable of loving again.