Maturity is when you realize money can actually buy happiness.

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Listen up. If he hooks his sunglasses in the front collar of his shirt, he’s got something important to say.

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Men become instantly more attractive when they wear aviators; it’s science.

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If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.

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Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.

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That gap in my resume is from when I was lost at sea.

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No matter how small you make that “unsubscribe” link, I’ll still find it.

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If it’s a ghost ship, why does it have to be on water?

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In honor of the winter solstice, I also will be cold, distant and filled with darkness.

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An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.

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How bad can a decision really be if nobody from the future shows up to stop you?