Me as the therapist: “Listen, just take a nap!”

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I’ll let you guys know if the psych ward has wifi.

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When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like, okay, but how do you solve the problem of being awake?

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I find it extremely hard to believe that you’re rolling on the floor laughing.

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Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

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Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?

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Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

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She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.

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I just sneezed next to my computer and the anti-virus popped up.

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Super excited about a brand new year full of questionable life choices.

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Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous. IKEA Manager: Sir.