My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

44 shares on Discord this month:

I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.

99 shares on LinkedIn this month:

So, if you are too tired to speak, sit next to me, because I am fluent in silence.

96 shares on Telegram this month:

Y’all made fun of Plankton on Spongebob for dating a computer, and look at y’all now.

30 shares on Messenger this month:

I could be staring at my hand locking my front door, and I still won’t feel 100% sure my front door was locked.

10 shares on Messenger this month:

Welcome to your 50s: You’re not attracted to anyone who likes you.

84 shares on Messenger this month:

We should just cancel April Fools Day this year. No prank can top reality right now.

52 shares on Instagram this month:

Growing up, I always knew I was gonna be the distant family member.

90 shares on Instagram this month:

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric. Here, there, and everywhere.

89 shares on Threads this month:

Note: Press the button on the elevator as often as possible to activate the secret express function and speed up the thing.

94 shares on Messenger this month:

I took the road less traveled. Where am I?