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Someone from has bookmarked:

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

Someone from has viewed:

It’s nice to have a moment to breathe before reality knocks the wind out of you again.

Someone from has downloaded:

I SAID YES!!!!!! after I asked myself if I wanted a breakfast burrito.

Someone from has viewed:

Oh I’m sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

Someone from has bookmarked:

If you think someone has put a spell on you, send me $500 and I’ll get rid of it.

Someone from has downloaded:

Why the hell is my laundry bin always full? I’m not even going anywhere.

Someone from has bookmarked:

Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster.

Someone from has downloaded:

You’re like if “nope” was a person.

Someone from has shared:

I’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. They just show up.

Someone from has shared:

If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving, I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.

Funny Quotes Data

New Funny Quotes

713 added this month

Funny Quotes Total

10,875

Funny Quotes Topics

13,859

Funny Quotes Images

10,875

25 minutes ago

3,423

Social Media Log

Shared recently on LinkedIn:

He who laughs last didn’t get it.

Shared recently on Pinterest:

I know I seem a little crazy sometimes, but that’s because I AM.

Shared recently on Threads:

Chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe, there is nothing in your drink.”

Freshly posted on Snapchat:

Looking forward to eight hours of trying to get four hours of sleep tonight.

Making waves on Snapchat:

I wish more modern politics were about trying to stop the fulfillment of an ancient prophecy.

Freshly posted on Threads:

Farting, but with eye contact.

Trending via Pinterest:

A perfect metaphor for my life would be “Someone trying to stand up in a hammock.”

Live now on Twitch:

People are too casual about the fact that parrots can talk.

Shared recently on Messenger:

The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.

Broadcasted on Threads:

I’ve got a soft heart and a savage mouth. I’m like a Hallmark card written by Gordon Ramsay.

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

5 months ago

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My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

Download image ↓

Commentary:
"Looks like the pens are the real precious assets at that bank! Maybe the pens are off on a vacation, spending all that safe money somewhere sunny… Just don't let them draw on your bank account balance!"

bank, desk, finance, irony, keep, me, missing, money, pen, pens, safe, security, trust

Related Funny Quotes

Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Spending money is too easy. For my bank account’s sake, I need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before I’m allowed to buy something.
Got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank, you know it’s not.
Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

Trending Funny Quotes

6 months ago
Share → : You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
1 week ago
Share → : You used to calm me on my cell phone!
6 months ago
Share → : Australia is like someone’s still playing Jumanji.
5 months ago
Share → : Sometimes I don’t worry about things at all and other times I am awake.
6 months ago
Share → : “Gravy is not a beverage.” Okay, well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me.
2 months ago
Share → : Every morning I regret why I didn’t sleep earlier the night before.
6 months ago
Share → : It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer, buddy.
3 months ago
Share → : “People you may know” and it’s someone I would set on fire.

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Welcome to Wordgag! Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up.

Trending Funny Quotes

Spent most of the day making sure the couch still works. So far so good.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Every time we try to eat healthy, along comes Christmas, Easter, summer, Friday, or Tuesday, and ruins it for us.
I don’t like violence, but I don’t mind if I get hit by luck.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts and photos when someone asks me what I did yesterday.

Hot Funny Quotes

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality.
I’m not shy. I just don’t like you.
Carefully choosing which wine to pair with a McRib.
Somethіng wrong іn your lіfe? There’s a nap for that.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

Trending Topics

activity communication day food fun humor i irony joke just know life love me media need people procrastination relationship sarcasm social someone technology think time want work

Funny Quotes Data

New Funny Quotes

713 added this month

Funny Quotes Total

10,875

Funny Quotes Topics

13,859

Funny Quotes Images

10,875

25 minutes ago

3,439

Funny Quotes of the Month

You’re old if you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong.
The best way to contact me is to meet me in my dreams at 3 a.m.
Turns out the honeymoon phase lasts forever when you pick the right partner.
I hate listening to a rapper that I used to adore, and they just don’t have it anymore.
The worst thing you can do when cleaning your house is “sit down for a minute.”

Funny Quotes of the Year

Name a better duo than sad and depressed.
First rule for the new year is to not dwell on what went wrong this year.
I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code.
If someone asks why you’re so pale, simply reply, completely shocked, “You can see me?”
I really wish people would stop thinking they need to speak to me in the mornings.

Activity Log

Someone from has copied:

I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.

Someone from has downloaded:

Old people get so mad when you’re young and tired.

Someone from has viewed:

Born to be a frolicker of the forest, forced to be a cog in the machine.

Someone from has viewed:

Today, I changed a light bulb and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.

Someone from has viewed:

You’re old if you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong.

Someone from has downloaded:

Asking my dentist a question, but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies.

Someone from has downloaded:

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house.

Someone from has copied:

Roses are red. Daisies are white. I’m in a grumpy mood. My underwear is too tight.

Someone from has shared:

Body: Okay, sleepy time. Brain: Okay, thinky time.

Someone from has viewed:

Wouldn’t it be nice if you could donate your own body fat to those who need it more urgently?

Social Media Log

Going viral on Slack:

I have many talents, all equally un-monetizable.

Just landed via Facebook:

Imagine hearing the ice cream truck music, but at night.

Going viral on WeChat:

At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.

Reported on Threads:

There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.

Spreading quickly via YouTube:

My nickname in high school was “who?”

Going viral on Twitch:

I am a person who wants to get a lot done, trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep in and take naps at times.

Shared recently on Slack:

So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

Going viral on Twitch:

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

Just landed via Twitch:

I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.

Trending via Facebook:

The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

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