My rapper name would be 2 stressd.

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It’s so hot out, I just hydroplaned off the toilet seat at work.

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Let’s hope those bridges you burn keep you warm at night.

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The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.

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Why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast? It’s just an onion man, why don’t you relax?

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My thighs are bigger than my chances in life.

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You ever see a woman so beautiful it makes you momentarily mentally ill?

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I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought seven Police Academy movies were a good idea.

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My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

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Channeling my inner forest ghost: hauntingly fabulous and slightly lost.

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I do not support all women. Some of you are very mean for no reason.