Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

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Hyphenated. Non-hyphenated. The irony.

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If a zombie and vampire bite each other, who turns who?

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I’m not good at solving Pi, but I’m really good at eating it.

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She calls me Anthony Bourdain because I eat her parts unknown, no reservations.

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I laugh at my own jokes because I am my target audience. Y’all just happen to be there.

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Don’t give up, we must remain silly.

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If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

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If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

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Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?

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The trick of life is to get the sports car before you have to grunt getting in and out of it.