Thinking after a concert that the artist liked your city/show the most is like thinking the bartender flirted with you. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Can you imagine if AI ever evolves into trying to kill us, and the thing that saves us is one of Cloudflare’s outages? Posted onMay 29, 2026
My stomach just made the exact sound of the “your” in “your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice messaging system.” Posted onMay 29, 2026
I’m at the age where I’m more likely to fall asleep at the movie theater than get frisky in one. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Reading a book and coming across a character’s name that you don’t know how to pronounce, so for the rest of the book, every time you see it, your brain just goes ‘skdjfkskakfk.’ Posted onMay 29, 2026
That thing they say about getting drunk with the love of your life in a walkable city is no joke. It hits like crack. Posted onMay 29, 2026
It’s amazing how much I accomplish around the house right before someone is coming over. Posted onMay 29, 2026
“I’m not concerned about Netflix buying Warner Brothers. None of this will matter once we evolve gills and start living underwater.” Posted onMay 29, 2026
Cars should have two horns, one for “excuse me, kind friend,” and another for “curse you and your family for generations.” Posted onMay 29, 2026
You can’t truly refer to yourself as an adult until you catch yourself getting really angry when the grocery store changes their layout. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Have you ever pretended not to look at the biscuits or sweets being handed around the room, and acted surprised when you got offered one? Posted onMay 29, 2026
Ever since I learned about the concept of networking, I knew I was going to have to do everything alone and do it the hard way. Posted onMay 29, 2026
My superpower? I can look you dead in the face while you’re talking and not hear a damn word you said. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Why do parents bust in your room like they trying to catch you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something? Posted onMay 29, 2026
Sex is cool and all, but have you ever tried obsessing over a mediocre person who’s just not that into you. Posted onMay 29, 2026
OnlyFans, but it’s elderly women teaching you how to sew, knit, can food, quilt, and some solid recipes. OnlyGrans. Posted onMay 29, 2026
My husband said it would be easier if we had a Christmas house that we moved into in December, instead of taking all these decorations out. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I just love the lack of privacy in the pharmacy line. Just standing there shouting out my name, date of birth, and exactly what is wrong with me for the world to hear. Posted onMay 29, 2026
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again. Posted onMay 29, 2026
My wife called to tell me she saw a fox on the way to work. I asked her how she knew it was on its way to work. She hung up on me. Posted onMay 29, 2026
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Studies show young people are having less sex than previous generations. I knew I was ahead of my time. Posted onMay 29, 2026