When I die and y’all go through my search history, you’ll be disappointed to find mostly just definitions for very common words that I wasn’t sure I was using correctly. Posted onMay 29, 2026
My wife just pulled me into the other room, and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk, but she just wanted to give me M&M’s without the kids seeing. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I thought I liked seeing movies, but it turns out I like eating candy in a dark room where it’s illegal to talk to me. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Amazon cart: Order now and it will arrive today. Amazon confirmation email: LOL, just kidding, it’ll be a week from tomorrow. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Don’t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing, so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I simply accept my extreme loneliness as punishment for something I did in a past life, and don’t worry about it. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Females be naked so much online, I be like, damn, I bet she look good in a sweater. Posted onMay 29, 2026
The miracle of DoorDash is that I just pick up my phone, punch a few things into it, and within half an hour I have, at my door, a $52 salad. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I think every app should, by law, let you deactivate all of its short-form video content. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Inside you, there are two wolves. Kevin Costner is dancing with both of them. I don’t know how this works. Posted onMay 29, 2026
If we breakup because you “wanna focus on school,” I better see you in Harvard. Posted onMay 29, 2026
“I’m at that stage of Christmas shopping where I start buying myself presents.” Posted onMay 29, 2026
If I were to “picture everybody in the room naked,” I would be stunned and in awe of the beauty and diversity of the human form before me. But thanks for the advice. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Every CVS has its own unique energy that’s powerful enough to exalt or destroy the individual. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I don’t have an advent calendar, so I’m just opening cupboard doors and eating what’s in there. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Imagine going to see a situationship in 1868, and you go outside, and your horse is dead as hell. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Man, you really don’t appreciate not having something in your eye until you have something in your eye. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I’ve got 50 minutes to make it look like I’ve been flossing for the last 6 months. Posted onMay 29, 2026