Someone just honked to get me out of my parking spot faster… so now I have to sit here until both of us are dead. Posted onMay 29, 2026
“I’m disgusted by how many of you still use Spotify. I use a fair trade, ethically conscientious mom-and-pop platform called Apple Music.” Posted onMay 29, 2026
Twitter is diarrhea of the mouth at its finest. Everyone is just going around vomiting whatever is in their brains. Posted onMay 29, 2026
The most unrealistic part of Christmas movies isn’t the existence of Santa… it’s that all these people have, like, a month off work with no interruptions. Posted onMay 29, 2026
My dad told my sister’s new boyfriend to stand at the end of the picture so he can crop him out whenever she dumps him. Posted onMay 29, 2026
If the Beatles were just 4 lads from Liverpool, imagine what 400 lads from Liverpool would sound like. But y’all aren’t ready for that conversation. Posted onMay 29, 2026
“Nah.” – everyone with an office job, from the Monday after Thanksgiving until January 2nd. Posted onMay 29, 2026
No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don’t want to go in the first place. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Single bells, single bells, single all the way. Oh, what fun it is to watch those couples fight all day, yay! Posted onMay 29, 2026
Oh, you’re extending your sale? Your Black Friday sale that ended on Tuesday? You’re extending it? Posted onMay 29, 2026
Some people believe the appendix is a vestigial organ, that its use has long since passed. I think it’s primordial. Its use has yet to come. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Sorry, boss, I can’t come into work today. I’m trying to capture the childlike joy of December. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Spotify Wrapped? Next year, maybe you should try to be in the top .05% of listeners to your girlfriend. Posted onMay 29, 2026
People will be like “Nobody cares about your Spotify Wrapped,” and then post a picture of their baby. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Just got chills imagining what Tom and Jerry could accomplish if they just worked together for once. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Crazy how many organs in your body are dedicated to the poopification of dinner. Posted onMay 29, 2026
(pausing the TV and turning to my kids) Now I want to talk to you guys for a second about what Bart just told that man to do. Posted onMay 29, 2026
“You’re in her DMs, my faint presence sits in her Spotify Wrapped through the music I introduced her to. We’re not the same.” Posted onMay 29, 2026
Spotify Wrapped has a special talent for pulling up an artist I’ve literally never heard of and telling me I actually listen to them 2,000 times per day. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I accidentally clicked on an ad, so I guess I will see that product all over my phone until I’m dead. Posted onMay 29, 2026
The phone is the most evil screen. The computer is somewhat evil, but less so than the phone. The TV is benevolent. Posted onMay 29, 2026
That masculine urge to completely avoid relationships until you get your life together. Posted onMay 29, 2026
If I had a tiny girlfriend, I would love to throw her across gaps so she can pull levers and open doors that get me to her part of the level. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I like listening to music in languages I don’t speak because sometimes I just don’t wanna know what anybody is talking about. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I run every day for 30 minutes. If I miss a day, I add 30 minutes to the next day. This has truly been a game changer. Tomorrow I’m supposed to run for 3 weeks. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Please stop fighting with each other on the internet and start fighting with each other in real life. Life is short. Posted onMay 29, 2026