I need a Netflix show called: “Background noise while you scroll on your phone.” Posted onMay 28, 2026
There’s no reason to be bored flying on an airplane. Use the time to tell the person next to you your entire life story. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Movie date at my house, but we use pirated sites and spend all night closing pop-ups. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I wonder how long you could drive in a roundabout before a cop would be like, hey, you can’t do that anymore. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Half of Twitter is horny, half is depressed, and the other half don’t know how to do math. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Shazam-ing a song in public feels the same as taking out a big hammer and bonking yourself on the head. Posted onMay 28, 2026
The idea that wisdom teeth are just some random glitch that God forgot to patch, so now we have to pull them out with modern technology, is retarded. Posted onMay 28, 2026
We should make a new internet that’s as hard to use as the old internet was, so anyone that’s too stupid to have used the internet 20 years ago can’t get on it. Posted onMay 28, 2026
You don’t really see women throwing their boyfriend’s stuff out the window anymore. Posted onMay 28, 2026
It’s truly insane when bosses assume their employees are working for any reason other than a paycheck. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Had some plain yogurt with protein powder in it for breakfast, and not only is it high in protein and very filling, it’s also disgusting. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Billionaires didn’t get rich by working harder. They got rich by making sure you work harder, get paid less, and spend more. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I love when I clean my whole apartment just to sit in it like a Victorian widow waiting for bad news. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Warning: not watching the news may lead to a heightened sense of joy, security, and optimism. Posted onMay 28, 2026
If I was on Love Island, I would get wasted and drown in the pool, altering the course of every contestant’s life forever. Posted onMay 28, 2026