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Just because I’m awake doesn’t mean I’m ready to do things.

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Sometimes the best thing about my job is that my chair turns.

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“God has a plan for you!” Okay, well, I have some notes for him.

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My mother told me there is a girl for me in every corner of the earth, but unfortunately the earth is round.

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When you accidentally laugh at your own thoughts, and now people are staring.

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I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

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Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it can make you hotter than your enemies.

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Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.

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Hate how quietly iPhones die. At 5% it should start verbally begging for its life.

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You are not obligated to post a video of yourself dancing.