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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇲🇿 has bookmarked:

Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing.

Someone from 🇧🇮 has viewed:

I just love the lack of privacy in the pharmacy line. Just standing there shouting out my name, date of birth, and exactly what is wrong with me for the world to hear.

Someone from 🇵🇰 has viewed:

Eating cold ravioli counts as breakfast if you’re still wearing yesterday’s clothes.

Someone from 🇲🇬 has viewed:

Therapy isn’t about being “fixed.” It’s about being your therapist’s favorite patient.

Someone from 🇬🇷 has downloaded:

Look at you with tape over your camera, while Amazon, Facebook, and Google have your whole life on file.

Someone from 🇮🇩 has copied:

Before I drink, I eat liver so the liquor won’t know which liver to attack.

Someone from 🇹🇭 has bookmarked:

I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.

Someone from 🇨🇲 has downloaded:

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

Someone from 🇹🇻 has downloaded:

Some hoodies don’t hoodie the way other hoodies hoodie.

Someone from 🇭🇳 has downloaded:

It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

Users Online

3,443

Social Media Log 💫

Making waves on Snapchat:

With my staggering 91% survival rate, you’d be a fool to hire another dog sitter.

Shared recently on TikTok:

Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.

Just landed via Messenger:

I am “We read the newspaper front to back every single day,” years old.

Just shared via Discord:

The world would be a better place if mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood.

Shared recently on Reddit:

If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.

Going viral on Instagram:

I tried to clean up my Chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival.

Going bananas on X:

Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy.”

Shared recently on WhatsApp:

Our dog snores so loud, we had to rename him Grandpa.

Trending via Twitch:

Sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “Hey, only I get to talk to myself that way”.

Breaking via TikTok:

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

Please hesitate to reach out.

6 days ago

Funny Quotes

Humorous text hinting at reluctance to connect, playful and witty in tone.

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Commentary:
Sure, I'll get right on not doing that! 😉📞🙅‍♂️

communication, hesitate, humor, please, reach, reach out, sarcasm

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Social Media Stars ⭐

70 shares on X this month:

What’s it called when you mentally want to be horny but you’re physically not at all?

41 shares on Telegram this month:

I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code.

31 shares on Twitch this month:

D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs

48 shares on Slack this month:

This year should be named “things I never thought could happen”.

11 shares on Pinterest this month:

Girls Just Want To Have Naan

77 shares on X this month:

You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.

13 shares on YouTube this month:

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there.

88 shares on Threads this month:

A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.

33 shares on Pinterest this month:

I met the real Santa tonight, and he said you’re all in trouble.

51 shares on Slack this month:

If life could stop teaching me lessons, that would be great.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇳🇦 has downloaded:

I put the “pro” in procrastinate.

Someone from 🇵🇼 has downloaded:

My first thought upon waking up in the morning is “not again”.

Someone from 🇧🇼 has viewed:

Libraries were a good start, but we need more places where people can’t talk.

Someone from 🇵🇦 has shared:

HR has told me to stop saying ‘How stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.

Someone from 🇵🇦 has downloaded:

If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people.

Someone from 🇹🇻 has bookmarked:

American homes are so strange because, why is your front door in the living room?

Someone from 🇳🇪 has downloaded:

Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.

Someone from 🇨🇦 has viewed:

The thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have.

Someone from 🇱🇷 has copied:

Does anyone else stare at the dead body in movies to see if you can catch them breathing?

Someone from 🇦🇷 has viewed:

Guy in front of me at the movies was reading the popcorn Wikipedia page while he was eating popcorn.

Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on Instagram:

Flies are literally obsessed with flying into a room, then pretending they can’t get out. Grow up.

Seen just now on Snapchat:

Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?

Freshly posted on Threads:

Maybe making another financially irresponsible decision will fix me.

Spreading quickly via Messenger:

Opening up to people is a scam. Don’t do it.

Spotted on Discord:

Spilling hot coffee on your lap wakes you up faster than drinking it.

Live now on Snapchat:

Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.

Live now on Pinterest:

Staring at your phone is a great way to miss a few years of your life.

Freshly posted on LinkedIn:

No kids at my wedding. Gonna Uber the flower girl home when she’s done.

Broadcasted on WeChat:

Not texting back is only ok when I do it.

Going viral on Messenger:

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop?

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Activity Log ✨

Please hesitate to reach out.

My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

Everything feels like thinking the stripper actually likes you.

Wife bought something on FB Marketplace, but she’s afraid she’ll get kidnapped, so she sends me to pick it up from a guy whose wife sent him because she’s afraid to get kidnapped.

Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake.

I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Please hesitate to reach out.

Keep the laugh going 😂

My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

Everything feels like thinking the stripper actually likes you.

Wife bought something on FB Marketplace, but she’s afraid she’ll get kidnapped, so she sends me to pick it up from a guy whose wife sent him because she’s afraid to get kidnapped.

Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake.

I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still.

My boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner, “sometime,” so now we have to move.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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