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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇪🇨 has downloaded:

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life,” and it’s just that they were told to unload the dishwasher.

Someone from 🇧🇷 has bookmarked:

If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.

Someone from 🇳🇿 has bookmarked:

Losing weight in your 40’s: LOL!

Someone from 🇦🇬 has downloaded:

When the Beatles say, “Come together, right now, over me,” what was that about? Why did they say that?

Someone from 🇺🇸 has downloaded:

I’m “I can’t sit like that for too long” years old.

Someone from 🇬🇼 has shared:

Milk or be milked.

Someone from 🇺🇬 has downloaded:

Whatever y’all heard about me, I’m way worse.

Someone from 🇸🇾 has copied:

I say things I don’t mean on spicy chicken.

Someone from 🇬🇷 has copied:

I didn’t just turn into a grouchy old woman overnight. It took years of people letting me down, pissing me off, and dealing with idiots to get this good at it.

Someone from 🇷🇼 has viewed:

Lord, take away my suffering and give it to anyone who’s ever said, ‘Hey, Grok.’

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

Funny Quotes Images

15,753

Updated

Jan 31, 2026

Users Online

3,386

Social Media Log 💫

Going viral on Facebook:

Sometimes, in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken, I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”

Broadcasted on LinkedIn:

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform.

Breaking via Messenger:

For my final act of love, I will never contact you again, but think of you always.

Spotted on Pinterest:

Turns out “YouTube rabbit hole” is not a reliable science degree.

Making waves on Slack:

When you are in your 20s, there is going to be an urge to binge The Sopranos. it is very important that you press play.

Trending via Messenger:

Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit.

Spreading quickly via Twitch:

Telling my boss I can’t come back to work because I’ve discovered the joy of doing nothing.

Making waves on Pinterest:

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

Spotted on Reddit:

Imagine how organized the first person to write down a recipe must have been.

Just shared via Discord:

My mom recently asked me how to take a screenshot. At first, I laughed, but then I remembered she taught me how to tie my shoes.

Preparing for the apocalypse by becoming fluent in zombie.

2 weeks ago

Funny Quotes

Humorous quote about gearing up for disaster by mastering zombie language.

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Commentary:
Trying to impress the undead with my killer conversation skills! 🧟‍♂️🗣️🔊

apocalypse, fluency, humor, language, preparation, survival, zombie

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61 shares on LinkedIn this month:

When someone dies people say “he’s going to meet his Maker”. No he’s not. God doesn’t mingle with the staff.

81 shares on Snapchat this month:

My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”

71 shares on Messenger this month:

Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.

53 shares on TikTok this month:

The lion doesn’t concern itself with the contents of your prior email.

89 shares on YouTube this month:

My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart.

38 shares on Reddit this month:

If I had known how much care balcony plants need, I could have stopped taking the pill.

11 shares on WeChat this month:

A burrito is just a sleeping bag for beans.

67 shares on Reddit this month:

Them: “Ugh, could you be more annoying?” Me: “Oh God, yes!”

52 shares on Twitch this month:

An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.

51 shares on Messenger this month:

I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s, for woke.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇸🇦 has bookmarked:

Imagine hating me and I’m just over here trying to remember how to spell “definitely”.

Someone from 🇪🇪 has downloaded:

The cheapest way to fly is off the handle.

Someone from 🇱🇨 has copied:

If I could do it all over again, I would ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

Someone from 🇧🇪 has downloaded:

The longest and most adventurous journeys begin with the words: “I know a shortcut.”

Someone from 🇧🇾 has bookmarked:

I’m looking for insults so intelligent you don’t realize you’ve been roasted until three thoughts later.

Someone from 🇸🇧 has downloaded:

Dating apps aren’t working, time to walk into a cafe looking confused.

Someone from 🇨🇻 has downloaded:

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.

Someone from 🇮🇩 has viewed:

Girl, are you an Uber driver? Because you are driving me to drink.

Someone from 🇰🇲 has bookmarked:

We used to burn CDs like we were running an underground record label.

Someone from 🇨🇩 has copied:

Explaining myself is too much work. Please just judge me.

Social Media Log 💫

Seen just now on Snapchat:

I have three full closets of nothing to wear.

Seen just now on Pinterest:

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus.

Live now on Messenger:

Forget all this adulting stuff, let’s bring back Saturday morning cartoons.

Making waves on Pinterest:

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

Just landed via Twitch:

If you haven’t felt old yet today, try explaining to a teenager how little kids used to sit on a phone book at dinner to be able to reach the table.

Going viral on Facebook:

At a job interview: think of me as the rightful heir to the throne.

Just shared via Slack:

The meeting of the Anonymous Pessimists was canceled. It wouldn’t have helped anyway.

Seen just now on Threads:

People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.

Spotted on Telegram:

The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”.

Freshly posted on WhatsApp:

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Preparing for the apocalypse by becoming fluent in zombie.

It’d be nice if my bank account filled up as quickly as my laundry basket.

Welcome to your 40s! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples.

Your eyes water when you yawn because you miss your bed and it makes you sad.

You misunderstood me. I said I was a “bawler,” not a “baller.” You know, someone who cries a lot.

I love to watch the enthusiasm of new coworkers, and then their inevitable slow descent into not giving a damn.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Preparing for the apocalypse by becoming fluent in zombie.

Keep the laugh going 😂

It’d be nice if my bank account filled up as quickly as my laundry basket.

Welcome to your 40s! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples.

Your eyes water when you yawn because you miss your bed and it makes you sad.

You misunderstood me. I said I was a “bawler,” not a “baller.” You know, someone who cries a lot.

I love to watch the enthusiasm of new coworkers, and then their inevitable slow descent into not giving a damn.

Sorry, I can’t go out this weekend. I went out last weekend, and I’m still recovering from that.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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