Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past couple years, and I was not expecting that.

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I met a microbiologist today. He was a lot bigger than I expected.

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Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a cool motorcycle. Also, here’s a cool piano.”

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The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

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I tried to clean up my Chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival.

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I wanna be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have some new ideas.

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Me: “I’m still young.” My bones: “No, we not.”

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Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.

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Not to brag but I don’t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.

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Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.

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You miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer.