Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.

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It’s important to post stupid stuff so you can learn who likes you.

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Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.

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I miss having that butterfly feeling. People give me roach vibes at this point.

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Be the reason someone spits out their drink today.

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I think during winter we should also get to work less hours in a day, just like the sun.

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Life is so dull when you don’t have someone to flirt with.

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Y’all liking my posts feels like a little forehead kiss.

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People will love you. People will hate you. And none of it will have anything to do with you.

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I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for the toys on Christmas morning. The sound is still ringing in my ears.

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Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh, fresh out the box.