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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇲🇦 has bookmarked:

I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone.

Someone from 🇺🇸 has downloaded:

This call, should’ve been a message in a bottle I never found.

Someone from 🇸🇲 has bookmarked:

If adulting had a return policy, I’d use it immediately.

Someone from 🇱🇾 has shared:

“Gen Z is having less sex.” It’s always sex, sex, sex with these people.

Someone from 🇭🇹 has downloaded:

Why does Bruce Wayne, the billionaire, not simply rig Gotham City’s elections in favor of tough-on-crime candidates?

Someone from 🇹🇯 has bookmarked:

I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.

Someone from 🇨🇩 has bookmarked:

I may look fine on the outside, but on the inside I’m hungry again.

Someone from 🇬🇲 has shared:

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

Someone from 🇧🇧 has shared:

Speaker phone in public should be illegal.

Someone from 🇨🇫 has viewed:

Just looked around and realized it’s everyone’s first time living.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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3,723

Social Media Log 💫

Making waves on Instagram:

Crazy that caffeine has no short or long-term negative side effects. Just a super drug from God.

Seen just now on TikTok:

Peer pressure has nothing on me; all my bad decisions are made single-handedly.

Just landed via LinkedIn:

When people block me, I just assume it’s for my rugged good looks and killer jawline.

Seen just now on YouTube:

I’m not enjoying this slow-burn apocalypse. I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show.

Shared recently on X:

Oh good. Another day.

Making waves on Pinterest:

The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them.

Going viral on Pinterest:

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.

Going viral on Instagram:

There’s nothing better than knowing that you don’t have to set an alarm clock for the next day.

Breaking via Discord:

I thought my mixed signals were perfectly clear.

Broadcasted on Telegram:

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I am at work.

Tequila won’t fix your life, but it’s worth a shot.

1 week ago

Funny Quotes

Witty text about tequila's humorous attempt to improve life, playful and lighthearted.

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Commentary:
Taking life one shot of wisdom at a time! 🍹😄

alcohol, fix, humor, joke, life, shot, tequila, worth

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60 shares on Slack this month:

Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 60-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.

14 shares on Slack this month:

Every time the universe sends me a sign, I’m like, okay, but I think I’ll wait for a signier sign.

64 shares on WhatsApp this month:

I’m a little too self-aware to enjoy life, and a little too delusional to give up.

38 shares on Threads this month:

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.

11 shares on Twitch this month:

Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.

86 shares on Snapchat this month:

Where do I sign up to be one of those influencers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?

62 shares on Facebook this month:

Do not take me to an escape room. I was a c-section. Someone is gonna have to come get me.

72 shares on Reddit this month:

Don’t bother telling me where you’re from, I have no geographical knowledge and no sense of direction.

12 shares on Threads this month:

Old and bitter feels much better than I thought it would.

27 shares on Slack this month:

(to my executioner) I wish we had met before this. You seem cool.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇸🇮 has viewed:

Breaking news is really breaking me.

Someone from 🇱🇸 has downloaded:

Vaping always looked dumb. It looks like you’re smoking a kazoo, and now the lead poisoning is the cherry on top.

Someone from 🇭🇺 has viewed:

How late is too late to still be lying in bed, naked, drinking coffee?

Someone from 🇳🇦 has bookmarked:

I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.

Someone from 🇮🇷 has bookmarked:

It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime.

Someone from 🇱🇸 has downloaded:

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

Someone from 🇧🇴 has downloaded:

I could have been the favorite mistress of the Sun King at Versailles, but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism.

Someone from 🇸🇪 has copied:

I should’ve been a crow. They get to fly around looking goth as hell and seeking retribution. Instead, I have to go to an office and work on my ‘people skills.’

Someone from 🇹🇻 has viewed:

Being bi means you say both yay and bruh.

Someone from 🇸🇰 has downloaded:

I can’t date until the curse is lifted.

Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via Messenger:

I might be annoying, but at least my lock screen isn’t a selfie.

Just shared via Instagram:

If you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play.

Seen just now on WeChat:

Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?

Spotted on Pinterest:

Every Jurassic Park movie should end with an insurance adjuster getting a phone call and immediately throwing up.

Going viral on Snapchat:

If you wave your keys in front of a giant house, people will think you own it.

Seen just now on TikTok:

Parents will give you a lecture about fake friends and then get scammed by their own siblings.

Live now on WhatsApp:

Marriage is scary, what if he doesn’t want our house to look like my Pinterest board.

Going bananas on Discord:

Bisexual just means that I wear perfume with my men’s deodorant.

Just landed via TikTok:

Women who don’t check a man’s phone will still use their intuition and dreams to find out if he’s cheating.

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Activity Log ✨

Tequila won’t fix your life, but it’s worth a shot.

Getting a wax is wild, like you really just be bust open talking to the lady like it’s nothing.

My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.

If you ever think English is not a weird language just remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme. But read and lead don’t rhyme, and neither do read and lead.

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails, they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs.

Adulting is difficult. One minute you’re proud of yourself, the next minute you feel like you’re not doing enough.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Tequila won’t fix your life, but it’s worth a shot.

Keep the laugh going 😂

Getting a wax is wild, like you really just be bust open talking to the lady like it’s nothing.

My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.

If you ever think English is not a weird language just remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme. But read and lead don’t rhyme, and neither do read and lead.

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails, they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs.

Adulting is difficult. One minute you’re proud of yourself, the next minute you feel like you’re not doing enough.

Deleting the paragraph you wrote and texting back “ok” is a different type of self-control.

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