The best way to get through Monday is to pretend it’s Tuesday.

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Sleeping in is the most efficient way to find out which morning rituals you can actually do without.

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Obsessed with how Siri just doesn’t work at all, ever.

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As long as you’re still fishing fruit flies out of your drink, you’re not drunk.

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Can anyone recommend some good places for somebody just getting into visiting?

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You can learn a lot about a person by observing their every waking movement from a tree outside their house.

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Killing me softly with his schlong.

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Hey, I came over because the grass seemed really green here, but now that I’m looking back that grass actually looks crazy green, so I’m gonna go.

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Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood.

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Drugs don’t ruin lives. Drug tests do.

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Caffeine is not enough anymore, I need to chew on a power line.