The first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account.

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The fact that I procrastinate and still get the job done is the reason I still procrastinate.

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She’s a 10, but she says ‘Orwellian’ when it’s clearly ‘Kafkaesque”.

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It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime.

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People aren’t too bad if you stay away from them and don’t go outside.

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My age is news to me every single time I remember.

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Why do birds love going apeshit first thing in the morning?

Someone from 🇰🇳 has downloaded:

This alien invasion could have been an email.

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Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.

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Your honor, if it pleases the court, here’s Wonderwall.

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The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet.