The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one-night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.

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Public urination isn’t a crime if you do it in your pants.

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Parents saying “I know my child” will forever be the funniest joke.

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I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.

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His palm trees are Serengeti, destination wedding, luggage is heavy. There’s vomit on his tux already, Dollar store confetti.

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Fun prank: make people study for 16 years, and then don’t give them jobs.

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At this point of my celibacy, I can see the same colors as mantis shrimp. What do you know about blorange and gurple?

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Nothing ruins your weekend faster than remembering Monday is lurking in the shadows.