The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one-night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.

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I want to live in a world where TV sitcoms have catchy theme songs again.

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Hello bedtime my old friend, my brain is laughing once again.

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My friends have canceled our dinner plans two nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

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The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?

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We all know that mirrors don’t lie. I’m just very grateful that they don’t laugh.

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l identify as a Christmas tree. Lit on the outside, dead on the inside.

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Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.

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Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

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I have the body of a god. Sadly, it’s Buddha after brunch.

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It always takes me an hour to get ready. 45 minutes for doing nothing and 15 hectic minutes for the rest.