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Me before grocery shopping: only healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this. Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows?

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No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone over the head with.

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I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment. I wanted something with no strings attached.

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When God created the giraffe, he probably slipped with the mouse on the screen. This is how its neck was created.

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Tried to be a responsible adult today. Won’t be doing that again.

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I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

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I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work.

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I don’t argue anymore. I just agree and let the plot unfold.

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Went on a date with a guy who didn’t ask me any questions about myself, so it’s on him when he finds out about my husband.

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An alcoholic morning show host becoming Secretary of War is some Kurt Vonnegut shit.