They say dress for the job you want, but this baby diaper isn’t very comfortable.

Someone from 🇺🇸 has copied:

Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it. Everything about it is shit.

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Sorry I’m late, I was fighting for my right to party.

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Girl math is avoiding shipping costs by buying more.

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Welcome to your 40s: it’s Saturday night so you know what that means, absolutely nothing, go to bed.

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I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.

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I don’t understand people who forget to eat. I’m already planning lunch while chewing breakfast.

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That moment when you clean the apartment and a year later everything is dirty again.

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Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no.

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Death doesn’t scare me, but a group of dogs fighting while I’m walking alone on the street does.

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Maybe I’ll quit so I can focus on summer.