They should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience.

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It’s kinda weird that in order to go to sleep you have to pretend like you are already sleeping.

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I’m going to a karaoke bar tomorrow, where I’ll sing every song in the style of Yoko Ono.

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Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts.

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Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my money’s worth.

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Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

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Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.

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It’s so funny how you can meet someone randomly online, and they become such an important part of your life. It’d be nicer if they lived closer, though.