They should make a movie that’s good the whole way through.

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Apologize for the job that you do. It would be nice if you were talented too.

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Adulthood is basically just trying to fall asleep at night and stay awake during the day.

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They should invent a relationship that doesn’t turn into the worst experience of my entire life.

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Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

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Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better.

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The first time I saw a kiwi I thought it’s a potato with fur.

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My bad habits got renewed for another season.

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Nurse: “This may hurt.” Me: “My life hasn’t been much fun either.”

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There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes “o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra”. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”.

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Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.