This year felt like being awake during surgery.

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When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.

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I would like even faster food.

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I hope the babies I was born with at the hospital are doing good.

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The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos.

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At my funeral, sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man.

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I could easily win an Oscar, I just have other things going on right now.

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My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

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Shout out to myself for ruining my own life.

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American homes are so strange because, why is your front door in the living room?

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Just went to the Oreo website and hit “accept all cookies” … and now we wait.