Toilets are not a crime scene, traces may be removed!

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The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

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Buying books and reading them are actually two entirely different hobbies.

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Some days you’re the quick brown fox and other days you’re the lazy dog.

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Look, a three-day weekend is all I ask. The rest can be four-day weekends.

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Throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

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Twitter sucks so much, but randomly there are such funny tweets, so I wait, like a frog, for one delicious fly.

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It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life. It’s just a hobby.

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I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

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My theory is that women’s voices contain frequencies that men simply can’t hear.

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Alcohol: When you want to run away from your problems without moving.