When it rains in New York, the train starts smelling like hamster.

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Yes, I sometimes put my cell phone down. Especially when it rings.

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My favorite dinner is the one made by someone else.

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Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.

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I could never be in the mafia, those guys stay up way to late.

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Will mosquitoes ever develop a pizza obsession and end their pursuit of human blood?

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You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real: Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

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Spending money is too easy. For my bank account’s sake, I need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before I’m allowed to buy something.

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I don’t need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry!

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Every year, just in time for Christmas, when it’s freezing cold, the Coca Cola truck shows up. Now, in this freaking heat, it’s nowhere to be seen.

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You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.