You should always wear a helmet when doing dangerous things or talking about politics.

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By accepting their pardons, the turkeys are admitting guilt.

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Hello, boyfriend? It’s me, girlfriend, from dating?

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A Southerner dies every time you people type “ya’ll” instead of “y’all,” btw.

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I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

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I’m going to die from jealousy one day.

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“You’re a cougar!” God forbid a woman gives back to the youth.

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My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

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Apparently, “I just don’t want to” is not a valid reason when your boss asks you why you’re not coming in today.

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Accessories can really boost a woman’s self-confidence. For example, I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times.

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After 25, you’re pretty much 30.