Your eyes water when you yawn because you miss your bed and it makes you sad.

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The only thing I gained this year is weight.

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Divorce is so weird. Why do I have an ex-aunt?

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My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession.

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Pronouncing hyperbole like guacamole.

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People say that they want to be tall, but don’t realize how many times tall people are assaulted by spiderwebs.

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“You’re so quiet!” Thanks! I actually tried to speak twice but you kept talking over me.

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Many men also have a walk-in closet. For them, it’s just called a floor.

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I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.

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You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”

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Yoda, seeing himself in 4K: HDMI