I hate apps that shut off your music when you open them, like how fu*king important do you think you are?

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I’ve got 99 problems. I know this because I wake up in the middle of the night to review each and every one of them in great detail.

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I don’t hate you, I just don’t want to see you alive.

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Sometimes I feel like my life is being written by someone who isn’t sure if they like me or not.

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I went to clean bathroom and I’m 99% sure my kids shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon.

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Extrovert self made too many plans and now introvert self is pissed.

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I don’t assume anything except the fetal position.

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Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

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I’ve disappointed better people.

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Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong here.

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If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about a boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten.