Trending Funny Quotes 👇

  • So. Fed the laundry and washed the cat. Showered the garbage and disposed of myself. Was there anything else?
  • I’m the friend who shows up with a shovel and an alibi.
  • Sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do.
  • Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.
  • I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious.
  • If I don’t text you saying Happy New Year, we still gang, I’m just lazy.