“How would you describe yourself.” Me: I absolutely would not.

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We should start referring to age as “levels.” So when you’re level 80, it sounds a lot cooler than just being an older person.

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No one ever talks about the 6th love language (being annoying).

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Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment.

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Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.

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Apparently, everyone on the Zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.

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Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I have problems, you’re there. Whenever I lose control, you’re there. Let’s face it, you are bad luck.

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Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs.

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It’s crazy that things have got to a point where you can say, “Jurassic Park 3 is one of the better movies in the series.”

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Diet tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any.

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At my funeral, sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man.