When I say I’m saving myself for marriage, what I mean is you won’t know how annoying I am until it’s too late.

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You stop moving your mouse for 5 seconds, and Microsoft Teams will say you never showed up for work.

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I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

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A narcissist wants the authority of a king while having the accountability of a toddler.

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My body cracks like a glow stick every time I move, but refuses to light up.

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My front facing camera got me looking like a failed science project.

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My parents still haven’t apologized for making me ugly.

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My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.

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Me: “I should treat myself to something.” My bank account: “Dream on.”

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Rorschach tests are like so easy. Everything’s either a demon or a butterfly and it’s up to you to decide.

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Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time.