No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.

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Wow, this was a really long day of playing on my phone.

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A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.

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I belong to the generation that repaired the TV with a single blow to the casing.

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Been whispering “I like invented her” about my newborn every few hours.

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I’m only an introvert until I meet people worth extroverting with.

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The difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body is that I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

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What’s a polite way to tell someone you hope they get mauled by a bear?

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People who scream sneeze need their own island.

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Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.

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I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.