Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine. 30 minutes was not the right answer.

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No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work.

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When a lady compliments your facial hair, have the goddamn decency to compliment hers.

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For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face and destroy those who’ve angered me.

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People often mistake me for an adult because of my age.

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Told my boss I was going to the bathroom but didn’t say which one. Now I’m at home.

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My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

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I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed though. I’m just annoying.

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Prime numbers are so cunty. Like okay, diva — only divisible by yourself?

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She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom, so I showed her my organized sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding.

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Actually, men should take the pill. It makes more sense to unload the gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.